*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
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Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?