“and how does that make you feel?”
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multitasking lunch
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
sorry im late, i photoshoped myself as every member of Slayer
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO