Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
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Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘impossible’
“Oh, well I guess no point in trying”
*walks off stage*
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*