Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
You Might Also Like
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
I don’t understand why people are giving me weird looks. It’s like they’ve never seen someone in a sleeping bag in front of 7-Eleven on Slurpee Day.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
I’m the CEO of Boeing and I’ve been screwing up the planes on purpose. People were never meant to fly and I got tired of waiting for the gods to punish humanity for its hubris.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival