I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
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I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.