I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”
17, “Have u seen my adderal?”
Real House Wines.
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
[waking up on sunday morning]
me: ugh, I can’t believe what I did last night
*looks around to see piles of perfectly folded laundry*
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol