Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
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Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Life Lessons From Cats:
• take more naps
• rules were meant to be broken
• it’s okay to hide when you’re scared
• always demand respect
• if you have an itch, scratch it
• find joy in the simple things
• you can bury your shit but eventually someone’s gonna find it
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My teenage children choosing violence
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.