If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Duolingo getting serious.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm