Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
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It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
channeling her this year
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.