If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
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Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]
Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”