When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
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You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
I met a girl that told me, “Make me laugh and I’m yours”.
So I pulled down my pants.
Apparently, she didn’t want to laugh that hard. 🙁
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
#inspiration #foodforthought
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Horrifying if literal: foot locker