The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
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I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
[hospital]
Me: how is he?
Her: he’s in the burn ward
Me: *tearing up* I’m an adult you can say H-E-double hockey sticks
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge