Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
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How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.