A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
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Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
waiting for halloween be like:
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
*praying for world peace*
God:
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.