You Might Also Like
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.