I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
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Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.