My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
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Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Ooops wrong house😂😜
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*