Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
You Might Also Like
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.