Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
You Might Also Like
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It’s like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
the composer
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.