Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
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I’m already scared
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Phonetics
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Still my favourite meme.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem