me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
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I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
WIFE: Don’t embarrass me in front of my boss, he’s colorblind
ME: Duh
[later at party]
ME: [to boss] So when did you learn Colorbraille?
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
8:00 AM: I am 100% committed to this new diet!
8:45 AM: Eats an entire box of uncooked lasagna noodles
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Oh, horrific shit happened in a little town where no one locked their doors? You don’t say?
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no