They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
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You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
We have plumbers working in our house. I just heard one of them say “Lefty loosey, righty tighty.” I know we’re in good hands.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*