Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
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I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
If at first you don’t succeed, it’s called ‘Attempted’ Murder.
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days