I forgot how to panic. Help
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6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.
It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
That eye roll….
Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Has there ever been a more American story?
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?