Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
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Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Teach your children to beatbox
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
💁🏻♂️
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.