Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Do sharks play the harmonica like
this or this
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I can’t wait for the stage of capitalism where we have to watch a 15 second advertisement before we remember a memory.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Oops
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.