Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
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The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive