When 8 wakes up in the middle of the night and comes looking for me, he’ll curl up next to me and sweetly say “mom, I found you!”. It’s difficult to be upset with him for waking me up.
Difficult, not impossible
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no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
My wife thinks she was able to finally get rid of my favorite chair on the neighborhood free page except it’s actually me coming to pick it up later.
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.