I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
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If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”