At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
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When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
yea so i messed up lol
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!