*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Everything reminds me of my ex
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.