Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
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the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
Godspeed, John Glenn
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
The point of your 20s
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens