JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Are you ok, human???
They grow up so quick
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
BaD BoY!!
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
i’m still crying at this
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers
necessity is the mother of invention
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
“I shaved for this shit?” – All of us at one point in our lives.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*