My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
10 WARNING SIGNS THAT YOU’RE CURRENTLY READING A LIST
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.