[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
You Might Also Like
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
This 4th of July, please remember…
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her