My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
You Might Also Like
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
You had me at “define legal”.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”