A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
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So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
imagine if poop was transparent. I’d completely lose my shit
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.