“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
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Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there