I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
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My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.