YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
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I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
the Monday after daylight savings
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?