I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
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*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
So many great jazz musicians were hardcore drug addicts because they had to put up with listening to so much jazz music all the time.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I love it all
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life