Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
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Got kicked out of the bank for taking too many lollipops.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
wow he looks just like him
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”