Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
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coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour鈥檚 ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what鈥檚 all this then
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
My boomer father in law couldn鈥檛 get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector鈥hat was plugged into itself.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that鈥檚 in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
It鈥檚 so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
HIM: promise you won鈥檛 tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret鈥檚 safe with me 馃檪
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
What personal space?
My dog
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can鈥檛 come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don鈥檛 want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother