When you take Google Maps too seriously.
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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
thanksgiving should be called feaster
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.