There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
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My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
I’ll be mad as hell!
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
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[at funeral] You really had to see him live
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice