Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying