Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
Proofread twice, hang posters once
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
“I FIXED IT!”
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium