Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.