I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
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Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Smile Twitter, Smile.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted