[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
this makes me so uncomfortable
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I didn’t want to grow up; I just wanted to be able to reach for the cookies.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese